Relationship – a word that is more common than anything in the world today.
Humans are social creatures they say and genders are like the poles of a magnet
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Having a partner, a non-toxic , loving and a caring still remains an unfulfilled dream of many.
However, the ever increasing trend of ‘relationships not working out’ is becoming a significance of Gen Z.
We are known for breaking up more than being in a relationship.
I’m sure we have all had our grannys load us on examples about how their time was the best and how they have relationships older than as 70 years.
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That’s a dream for us!
But have you ever wondered why relationships don’t work out?
The biggest reason why relationships fail is because even before entering into a relationship we create a notion of perfection in our minds that the person should represent.
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Tik-toks and IG reels have disposed of enough boxes to tick when it comes to a perfect life partner.
And if our significant other fails to tick them all, our image of perfection starts to crumble.
We lace the relationship with expectations, of them taking responsibility for our feelings, our joys and sorrows.
Care and love are definitely the base of any relationship but expectations kill the innocence in them.
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Moreover an emotional connect is missing in relationships today. People Calculate more than they Care and that’s what makes it even more challenging.
But there is still another circumstance to this:
Have you ever been in a relationship where you cannot blame your partner for the separation and can neither find a reason for it?
The answer to this is rather one we all know.
Even though you knew it was perfect, you knew that’s all you’ve been wanting and waiting for your entire life and when it did arrive it wasn’t in the face of who you expected it to be.
We wanted our perfect relationship with someone that wasn’t even close.
Our emotions are governed by beliefs. The patterns that our brain records in every situation. It’s like a word of caution, subconsciously, that rules the way we react to situations and our reactions to them.
Moreover, our beliefs in the present are the outcomes of the trauma in the past.
Therefore, the reason why everything was perfect and it still didn’t work out is because you never accepted the fact that it could work out.
Silently in our subconscious we are so used to being wronged, after some time, that’s all we knew and as a habit that’s all we wanted.
Our brain recognized the pattern, that it’s all good in the beginning and then the person changes wildly and that’s what we start to believe and expect would happen.
We are unable to accept the fact that the person could actually be good because we are too scared we will be wrong this time too.
That’s where the unexplained anxiety comes from. The insecurity even though everything is going perfectly alright.
And then someday we give up. Our brain in an attempt to shield us from any future trauma starts producing stress hormones and associates them with that person.
We believe we‘ve lost feelings, we don’t love our partners anymore and it goes downhill from there.
If this mental contraption wasn’t enough, movies single handedly are the root of all the wrong beliefs we garner.
They have taught us that everything falls into place magically.
The actors will fall back in love after going through a difficult situation and its all happily ever after.
But the reality is very different.
We know it but don’t realize it.
Things leave a mark, immiscible by time and beliefs with permanent hurt associated with them and indelible memories to prolong it.
And an unhealed childhood trauma is a ‘Cherry on top’.
Most of the time we become what we never wanted to, because deep down that’s all we have internalized. That’s all we’ve been taught by life.
And believe me these things are subconscious.
This might seem difficult to face, but it is true.
Things will never magically fall in place just like that.
You will need to work on them everyday even though the progress seems undetectable.
Things cannot always be put in the boxes of RIGHT AND WRONG.
Humans are far more than that.
There is much more to human emotions, and behaviour than a Good and a Bad. We all are a mix of both. Nobody is a complete villain neither a complete hero.
Hence, healing requires forgiveness.
We must have heard this a lot of times but never quite understood what it quite meant.
Forgiving yourself first before everybody is the first step to start healing the trauma.
Breaking through those beliefs by creating new ones, countering the anxiety of the past repeating itself by citing that the repetition will be for a substantial reason. It will be for a lesson that’s still left unlearned.
And that reason is your growth, an increment in your strength.
Once the trauma is healed enough, beliefs change and you notice a difference in your feelings, your reactions to the situations that once were thought to be powerless against.
Remember, it is never going to be 100% healed.
There is no such thing as 100%.
You will always have the memory ‘Memories are permanent they say’ and they are undoubtedly right.
You will always have the pain with you, but, now you will be strong enough to face it and tackle it.
You wouldn’t want to run away or hide or disappear from the face of earth.
You would want to experience it.
You would want to face it-to give it a good cry and wake up the next moment happy.
And that’s when you will be the most ready to accept love in your life and nurture it better than ever.
Another way of working on yourself is the realization that everything happened for a reason.
You had to be abused to know that you have the strength to fight back.
You had to be cheated on to let you know that you deserved better.
You had to go through the childhood trauma so YOUR children are spared from it.
You had to go through everything because you COULD go through everything and you would do anything to stop that from happening to anybody.
And that’s the reason why you went through everything.
So you emerge stronger than ever.
And much more ready to receive what this life has to offer!
So don’t get frustrated with that breakup.. Don’t blame yourself.. You need to work on yourself and that’s perfectly fine. We all have to.
You chose to work on yourself and that’s what defines the goodness in you!
Let us know in the comments about your story.
It would be a great help for somebody in a similar situation right now!
WebChennel writer Nitiksha Dabhane contributed to this article